Let’s Talk About Intrusive Thoughts.
We know it’s scary. Intrusive thoughts tell you not to talk about them. They’re probably chattering away right now, saying, “Don’t say it out loud or it will become real!” or “Don’t tell anyone, they’ll take your baby away if they know!” or “When they know what you really are, they’ll never look at you the same way again!”
You know what will really piss off those intrusive thoughts? Talking about them. It will make them so angry that they may just find themselves at a loss for words, giving you a little bit of relief. More importantly, if we talk more about them, out in the open, we might take away their power over you and over the next new mother that starts to think terrifying thoughts and doesn’t know what to do about it.
So let’s start right now. Let’s talk about those intrusive thoughts.
What are intrusive thoughts?
Ashley Butterfield, Psy.D., sums it up thoroughly in a blog for The OCD & Anxiety Center, “Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, images, impulses, or urges that can occur spontaneously or that can be cued by external/internal stimuli. Typically, these thoughts are distressing (hence ‘intrusive’) and tend to reoccur.”
When it comes to postpartum intrusive thoughts, they will often involve causing accidents or harming the baby in some way. They will be so out of character that you might feel ashamed, frightened, guilty, or embarrassed. You may refuse to share them with others for fear of what they would think of you or sometimes you’re afraid to utter the thought aloud because then it could come true.
Intrusive thoughts are common!
Our amazing facilitator Kylee Nelson just wrote a beautiful blog on this very topic, inspiring us to ruminate on our own intrusive thoughts. She mentions that according to Karen Kleiman, author of Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts, 80% of new parents experience intrusive thoughts. Yes, we said new parents! Postpartum disorders and intrusive thoughts aren’t just struggles of a birth mother. They are a family affair—and they are so, so common!
In fact, intrusive thoughts aren’t just for those affected by anxiety, OCD, and depression. In the book Exposure therapy for anxiety: Principles and practice, it is mentioned that 90% of the population experiences intrusive thoughts. If they’re so common, why are we hiding them? Chances are high that the person next to you has had them too.
Why do people keep quiet about their intrusive thoughts?
Why do we keep quiet about our intrusive thoughts? Shame and fear, perhaps. A great friend of mine, one of the best people and mothers on earth, was suffering for years and never said a thing. When she was leaving the hospital with her brand new baby girl, her husband asked a nurse what to watch out for in terms of postpartum depression. That nurse said,”Oh, you know, if she’s putting the baby in the microwave or smothering them with a pillow.”
Needless to say, that nurse needs a lesson in bedside manner, but regardless, this friend couldn’t get those images out of her mind. She didn’t know why they were there; she loved her baby so much; she’d spent years trying to conceive and couldn’t be happier. The thoughts wouldn’t stop though. She unplugged the microwave and when her husband wasn’t home, she’d put it “away.” She would go into her daughter’s room every night, multiple times, to make sure she hadn’t suffocated her somehow.
There were more behaviors, more terrible thoughts. What if she dropped the baby down the stairs? What if her husband went away on business and she did something terrible? Yet, she remained silent. It wasn’t until her daughter was two years old that she told me. She’d begun to see a therapist and was finally ready to let me in…just a little bit at a time. Why? She thought that if anyone knew, they would take her little girl away from her.
Don’t forget though, intrusive thoughts come at us in multiple forms. It’s not always the fear of us doing something to our child. Sometimes it’s about something happening to them that's out of our control.
Another good friend of mine had thoughts of her toddler being taken or falling on an escalator. With every new developmental milestone, like walking or running, the thoughts transformed to match the age of her baby. And as her daughter got older, her postpartum anxiety only got worse. Fearing she would plant the terrifying seed of these intrusive thoughts in other parents' minds, she kept them stashed away until she finally shared them in group therapy and found out she wasn't alone.
I was afraid that the awful thoughts would come true if I uttered them aloud. As if speaking them could bring them out of my brain and into reality. But I also felt out of control sometimes, like I couldn’t trust my own hands, and that’s “crazy,” right? As though my hands have a life of their own. So, how could I tell someone else? Then they’d know how “crazy” I was.
It may seem like there are reasons to keep those nasty thoughts to ourselves, but that’s just the thoughts themselves, trying to preserve their existence.
How to cope with those nasty intrusive thoughts?
Struggling silently takes a toll. But then, Kylee wrote the most warm and insightful revelation: “Want to know a secret about intrusive thoughts—they don’t mean you are a bad mom or that the thoughts or images in your mind are going to happen.”
In reality, these are simply fleeting thoughts that have triggered emotions, tying them to the thoughts and giving them power. As Butterfield asserts, “They are not predictions of the future and they are not reality. Experiencing intrusive thoughts does not make you a ‘bad’ person and having these thoughts does not increase the likelihood that something bad will happen.”
So, now that you know how common they are and that they in no way, shape, or form are or will ever be reality, what’s next? Talk to someone. Tell a friend, a partner, or a trusted family member. Tell another parent. And then, find a licensed psychotherapist and tell them. A therapist can help you find ways to deal with your intrusive thoughts as well as any underlying anxiety, OCD, or depression. They will not judge you, they will not take your baby away, and the thoughts will not become real when spoken. No. You’ll get help, and you’ll feel better.
When do you need to worry about your intrusive thoughts?
In very, very rare cases, intrusive thoughts can be a sign of a deeper problem. However, as Kylee explains:
What separates intrusive thoughts from thoughts that we would be worried about is not the content of the thought—it’s your desire to carry out the thought. If you are horrified that the thought is there and would never act on it—then it’s not a thought that we need to worry about. Of course, the content and the fact that the thought is there is scary, but it doesn’t mean you are a danger to yourself or your baby.
If you do desire to carry out the thought, it is vital that you reach out to a medical professional immediately. Help is there. Please call the Postpartum Support International(PSI) Helpline now, 1-800-944-4773.
Parenting Avenue’s New Parent Support Groups are a great place to deal with intrusive thoughts…together, as a community
PSI is right, “There is no reason to continue to suffer.”
You can’t argue with your intrusive thoughts and you can’t stuff them down, but you can take away their power by sharing them with someone. Your partner, family member, friend, or therapist can all help you remove your thoughts from the endless cycle in your mind and show them for what they truly are—a mechanism of defense created because you are a loving, caring parent. You are not alone. Talk about it, normalize it, save someone else from the pain and self-judgment by sharing and being an ally.
Your village is right here at Parenting Avenue. Our New Parent Support Groups are here when you’re ready to talk. Join us on the path to more confident parenting! Contact Parenting Avenue today to join a group!
