Growing Families…The Beginning
My husband and I always wanted to have two children. Whenever family would ask, we would say, “Oh yeah, we’ll try for two!” I remember the night we took Jade home from the hospital (day three of being a family of three), and I told Mark, "Okay, when she's two we are having another.” And that was the plan—after we've potty trained, we will start trying for another.
Fast forward 17 months: We are having the time of our lives with our little toddler and enjoying every minute…except for when we are all sick…or when we are cleaning food off the floor three times a day…or when we are so tired we can't think straight…BUT we always still talk about having two and Jade having a little sister.
Until one day when we had a conversation that went like this—
Husband: I am excited to have two kids, but I think I would be ok if we only had one.
Me (in a playful yet straight-shooter tone): Well, too bad because we are going to have two.
That day he impregnated me—not with a baby but with the idea of having just one kid. My head began to swirl. The pros, cons, benefits, and drawbacks of having two kids versus one came rushing at me from every direction. Ever since, I just cannot stop thinking about it.
I'm still leaning towards having two, but mainly for my daughter’s benefit. I want her to have a sibling.
But what about us? Do we have the mental bandwidth? Will our relationship survive? Can my body handle not only pregnancy again but the postpartum wear and tear? How can I love another child as much as Jade? I don't want to teach another child how to eat solids. I know I won’t be able to be so precious with the second child because I'll be chasing after my first as well. Is the world (or even just the United States) fit to bring more children into it? Will we be able to not only survive but thrive being a family of four?
I feel like there will be some deep-in-the-trenches days in those early months (and years) of being a family of four…maybe even until both kids are potty trained. Can we handle that? Do we want to?
Part of me just wants to give in so I don't disappoint the grandparents or get asked, "When are you going to have another?" every day until I hit menopause. I also have a fear of regret. I don't think I'll really regret having two, but will I regret only having one? Maybe that's my answer.
If we do decide to expand, I want to be set up for success. I want a community. I want to know how to prepare my daughter to share her parents and continue to sleep well and…all of the many things that growing your family entails.
That's why I've created this group. I know I'm not alone. I know there are parents out there that are struggling to make the decision because it isn’t a simple one. I know that some parents out there are just following through with their initial plan, hoping to figure it all out on the fly. Others might just need to talk out their thoughts before deciding they’re happy being a team of three.
However it is playing out for you, having resources, advice, and support are going to help. Learning from experts and others’ experiences will allow us all to not only survive but to thrive as families.
The choices we make when it comes to our families will alway be complex. There’s just so much wrapped up in them! We have to consider the well-being of our kids, our partners, and ourselves. We are plagued by the idea that we might miss out or regret something, but we can’t even know what we would truly “regret” until we’ve made a choice. And then, of course, making that change, taking that first step can loom before us, shrouded in the unknown.
We’re in this together though. My struggles are yours and vice versa. Though these are big decisions, there are also no “wrong” decisions. Let’s comfort each other! Let’s work through it all together so we can say that at least our choices were informed and investigated.
My thoughts and struggles are only Part One of this series on Growing Families. The next two parts explore expanding your brood from the perspective of a therapist and a sleep consultant.
Growing Families Part Two: Common Concerns When Considering Expanding Your Family
Growing Families Part Three: Sleep Success When Expanding Your Family
If this all resonates with you, then it may be the right time for you to invest in your family's health. Join one of the parent support groups at Parenting Avenue! Together, we will take the path to community and confident parenting. Fill out the survey, and we will match you to a group that’s right for you!
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